How to talk to a parent about getting care

Before you start

• Talk to any brothers and sisters first, so your parent doesn't feel ambushed by different views.
• Find out the options, so you can answer "but what would that mean?"
• Pick a calm moment, at home, with time. Not straight after a fall, and not at a family celebration.

How to start the conversation

Open with a question, not a plan. Some ways in that families find work:

• "What would make day-to-day life easier for you at the moment?"
• "If things got harder, where would you want to be living?"
• "I worry about you on your own at night. Can we talk about what would help?"

Then listen. Most people's first wish is to stay in their own home, and that's a good place to start, because the right help is what makes it possible.

Talk about staying independent

Help at home is usually easiest to accept when it's about what stays the same: their house, their garden, their routine, their say over who comes in. A live-in carer they choose themselves, and can get to know, is very different from a rota of strangers.

If they say no

• Don't push for a decision in one go. Let them think about it, and come back to it.
• Suggest a small first step, like meeting a carer for a cup of tea, with no commitment.
• Involve someone they trust, such as their GP or an old friend.
• Ask what they're worried about. Often it's cost, strangers in the house, or losing control, and each of those has an answer.

Whose decision is it?

It's theirs. Adults have the right to make their own decisions, including ones their family wouldn't make, as long as they have the mental capacity to make that decision. If you're worried they don't, for example because of advancing dementia, talk to their GP.

If they haven't already, it's worth encouraging them to set up a Lasting Power of Attorney while they can. It lets someone they trust make decisions about their health, care or money if they can't in future. You apply through the Office of the Public Guardian.

Look after yourself too

These conversations are hard, especially from a distance. Carers' support charities in each county offer free advice and someone to talk to, and Age UK's Advice Line is open every day.

This guide covers England. It's general information, not legal advice. The law on capacity and Lasting Powers of Attorney is detailed, so check your own situation with your council or an independent adviser.